Dallas Lawyer Michael Grossman

 

If You’ve Suffered Due to an Arrested-Development-Related Accident, You May be Thinking I’ve Made a Huge Mistake. — But Don’t Worry, We May be Able to Help!


Our law firm is now accepting clients for the following cases:

Product Liability Claims

Legal Malpractice

Have you or a loved one suffered due to substandard representation provided by attorney Barry Zuckerkorn? We can help. California Code of Professional Conduct requires that licensed attorneys act as zealous advocates on behalf of their clients. Furthermore, an attorney is expressly forbidden from engaging in legal practice for which he has no special competency or skills. Attorney Zuckerkorn is alleged to have taken on a recent, high-profile case involving several serious allegations including embezzlement and some possible, light treason. In his capacity as the business’ general counsel, Mr. Zuckerkorn has advised the company on numerous matters. Whistleblowers have provided the following statements of conversations between Mr. Zuckerkorn and his clients, which exhibit a woeful lack of professional competency:

  • During a consultation regarding a major financial move by the company:
    • Barry: Unfortunately, it’s a private stock, so you cannot just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell.
      Michael: Are you sure?
      Barry: That’s what they said on “Ask Jeeves”.
  • In an annulment hearing:
    • Barry: You really wanna settle this, now your job is to convince that “wife” of yours that you are willing to go in front of a judge and admit that you never had sex.
      Gob: She has a name Barry. You don’t happen to know what it is, by the way, do you?
      Barry: That’s why I want to settle…I’m not “super prepared.”
  • On hearing the charges being read before the court:
    • Judge Ping: Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering, fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft.
      Barry: Wow, I-I did not get that page.

Mr, Zuckerkorn is no stranger to lawsuits, having been accused of sexual discrimination by a former employee.

Medical Malpractice

Dr. Frank Stein, the self-proclaimed “best doctor in the county” is accused of conducting experimental surgeries on his patients. Evidence can be seen in the following transcript excerpt from a post-operative visit to a patient whose fingers needed to be reattached following an occupational/magic-related injury:

  • Gob: My middle finger and index finger are
    Dr. Stein: Switched! For the first time ever.

California law prohibits doctors from conducting experimental surgeries on their patients without consent. Furthermore, the law allows plaintiffs to recover damages for so-called medical malpractice “woopsies,” such as leaving snippers inside a patient following an appendix operation.


Teamocil-related Injuries

There’s no “I” in Teamocil (at least not where you’d think), but recent studies show that it may contain significant quantities of mercury. This designer drug was manufactured by the Natural Life Food Company in the late 90s and most of the drug’s commercial success is attributable to promotion by Dr. Tobias Fünke, a now-defunct psychiatrist. The manufacturer claimed that the drug provided users with a feeling of wellness, but studies later revealed that the sense of euphoria experienced was little more than the precursor to a total shutdown of the pituitary gland. Our drug injury attorneys are seeking clients interested in joining a class action lawsuit against the manufacturers of the drug.

Big Pharma Sued For Faulty Hair Transplants

According to recent reports, a revolutionary hair transplant is causing major medical problems in patients. The new procedure, which had initially provided the previously bald a stunningly full head of new hair, later was found to cause the host damage. Normally, the body rejects transplanted organs if there isn’t a genetic match. However, the transplants at issue here actually began rejecting the patient, leaving ol’ Uncle T-Bag hanging, if you will.

Having the transplants removed provides the best cure, but many patients had finally begun to get audition callbacks. Fundraising for further research has thus far proven… elusive. The first class action lawsuit effort fell apart when the big pharmaceutical companies hired the victims’ lawyer to represent them in the case.

Blue Body Paint Recall

The FDA recently recalled “Blue Yourself” body paint from the market after the fumes were found to induce temporary brain damage in the users. Doctors began reporting that individuals were experiencing delusions of grandeur that were tragically wrecking their professional and personal lives. “It’s not unlike alcohol,” an FDA spokesman said, “people begin to think they can become pilots, marathoners, and even actors without any training.” The spokesman added, “Of course, alcohol can make people more popular. Blue Yourself has the opposite effect.”

Victims of the paint can file a products liability lawsuit against Blue Yourself’s manufacturer. Appeals court decisions are pending as to whether talent agents can testify as expert witnesses at the damages stage of trial.

Premises Liability

Bluth Family Homebuilders

With reports of foundation problems and low-hung attic beams which are responsible for numerous head injuries, the Bluth Family Homebuilders are being sued for both premises liability and breach of warranty by property visitors and homeowners, respectively.

Stair Car Accidents

Operators of stair cars (staircars) owe a duty to the public to avoid car accidents & collisions with low-hanging signs and to safeguard against hop-ons; you’re going to get some hop-ons.

Klimpy’s Restaurant Found Liable In Dram Shop Case

Klimpy’s, a “family style” “restaurant,” was found liable in a dram shop case after patrons who were overserved alcohol inflicted damage on one another in a fight. Court records indicate that a mother, who normally had only vodka and a piece of toast for breakfast, and her daughter became violent after being served too much reasonably-priced wine. Details of the cause of the fight are sketchy, but the incident made the newspaper and required the family to hire a PR firm.

The mother and daughter sued Klimpy’s in first-party dram shop suits, alleging emotional damage from the rift in an otherwise loving and supportive relationship. Klimpy’s was forced to pay $137,500, “a ridiculous low-ball amount for the professional therapy the mother and daughter will need,” according to a court-appointed psychologist. The mother-daughter plaintiffs were represented by a colorful plaintiff’s lawyer who has enjoyed limited success in suing on the behalf of the morbidly obese. Still, after the surprise verdict, the mother told reporters, “He’s very good.”

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Disclaimer

First and foremost, our personal injury law firm not affiliated with Netflix, Fox, or any other company involved in the production or distribution of Arrested Development. What we are, however, is a handful of nerds who work in the IT department of a law firm (we make trial graphics, handle large electronic client files, work on the firm website, etc.) and we couldn’t help but discuss our favorite show in the context of our industry. AD is chock full of lawyer jokes and we thought it would be fun to pay homage to that style of humor.

Additionally, we in no way intend to make light of our clients’ circumstances. Our firm represents individuals who have experienced some of the worst circumstances imaginable only to find that the party responsible for their suffering has no intention of doing the right thing, and that’s no laughing matter. We believe very passionately in the work that our firm does and we’re honored to contribute toward that end. We’re just trying to have a laugh by adding to the fan experience of the best show to ever to get cancelled (way to go, Fox).